I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
