literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
