I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
