Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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