just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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