Can i not drive my cunt home
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
