Well apparently he's into motor boating.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
