I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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