I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
