So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
we're making bets on your personal life
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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