dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
