hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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