I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
