The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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