We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
