I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
