Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
