the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I will be naked everywhere
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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