I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
