I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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