He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
