now i know why i became what i already was.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
