How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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