my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
