I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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