Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
