I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
