Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
