My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
