You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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