Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
