I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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