i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
