imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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