I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
