Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
