the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
