i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
