Your dad touched me again.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
