Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i've created a new STD.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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