Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
