Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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