I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
