So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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