I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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