I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
