You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize