Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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