We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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