He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
