No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
