Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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