im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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