the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
